‘You can’t beat a biscuit’ as JRR Tolkien once opined. Indeed, it was the first line of The Silmarillion until Tolkien’s editors got all sniffy. And, oh boy, it’s hard to disagree (unless you’re diabetic).
We love biscuits, we love boxes of biscuits and we love box sets of Game Of Thrones. But what’s your favourite cuppa-accompanying sweet snack? Answer honestly now, because your response irrefutably defines where you’d hypothetically exist within Westeros’ socio-economic and cultural fabric.
BOURBON: HOUSE STARK
‘Cheap powdery chocolate is coming’
‘OOH, There’s nowt so honourable as a bourbon biscuit’ is a famous saying in the north of England, or at least would be if North England was The North (which, when you think about it, kinda is) and the people saying it used the words ‘bourbon biscuits’ as some weird slang for ‘House Stark’.
An actual Bourbon biscuit is not too showy or elaborate (some might even say dour), can be relied on to survive in the barren wastes of a half-empty biscuit tin without going soft and, to the best of this blog’s knowledge, has never betrayed a rightful monarch. If bourbons are your fave chocolatey tipple, you’re basically Sean Bean in a fur coat, my friend.
JAMMY DODGER: HOUSE LANNISTER
‘Hear us raspberry’
C’mon guys; does this even need explaining? Gold and crimson are the colours of House Lannister after all. Heck, you could run a Jammy Dodger up a flagpole and, with its raspberry jam (or ‘jelly’) centre and buttery-yellow biscuit casing, even Tywin Lannister wouldn’t be able to tell it from the sigil of his ancient house.
But the similarities go even deeper, deep as the level of ‘theme’, which critics and university departments agree is as deep as it is possible for anything to get, at least in our lifetimes. The strawberry centre, for instance, represents the Lannister lust for lust and violence. The cream represents the creamy, seductive words of fan favourite Tyrone The Dwarf. The biscuit is made from a mixture of butter, oat flour and various preservatives.
PINK WAFER: HOUSE TARGAEYEN
‘Blood & Fiery Pink Tastiness’
Decadent! Slender! Insane! Heck, is it even a biscuit?!?!
Eerily beautiful yet prone to crumbling, if Pink Wafers are your particular tea time indulgence you’re probably only a moments away from incinerating someone or fingering a 60ft dragon (who’s also your sister).
You’re a wrong-un, pal. Seriously. Sort yourself out.
HOUSE WESTWORLD: NICE
Okay, so maybe Westworld isn’t technically Game Of Thrones. But if you’ve ever fallen asleep on your sofa half way through Thrones and woke with your trousers around your ankles, an empty bottle of Thunderbird cider on your chest and Ed Harrison dressed as a cowboy on your TV screen then, let’s face it, it kinda is.
What is a human anyhow? That’s Westworld’s philosophical question. And the age old conundrum of the Nice biscuit encapsulates that. After all, do you pronounce it ‘Nice’ or ‘Nice’? Whichever way you answer could reveal whether you are machine or man.